NEW WORDS
Recently there has been an outbreak of entertainers who sing, screech, make gurgling sounds, belch, grunt, fart, spit and otherwise pollute, or do not know the words to our National Anthem.
They should not be asked to sing the "Song of Freedom". I am dismayed at the lack of concern the public showed. This is an embarrassment to our country. It is not an audition for American Idol or Saturday Night Live.
I will propose a bill in Congress to preference and allow the Armed Forces of the United States, which usually has the Honor Guard, related state and unit flag duties, and who has an abundance of great talent in the Enlisted ranks the honor of singing our anthem at major public events. They have earned and deserve this honor. After all they are ones who defend this land.
Al Jacobson
"REFUDIATE" (adjective ree-dudd-eye-ate ) by Sarah Palin
Actually the word is RE-FUDD-I-ATE which refers to the on-again-off-again relationship her daughter Bristol has with the boyfriend who acts like Elmer Fudd.
Bristol is just re-fudding herself. Now that she got a little FUDDING, she is dumping Levi again. Since it has been reported he might of FUDDED up Bristols former girl friend. Just more drama, maybe for the FUDDED up at heart.I think Sarah was looking to incorporate "refute" in the context of taking back. Just another foo-pah from the intellect of Sarah Palin and her ghost writers who aren't too much brighter than her.
"PONTI-FARTICATION" (-noun pond-if-far-kay-shun)
Words issued by the Vatican about the abuses they covered up and denied and the use of the time worn "a bad apple in a good crop" excuse. Right on, originally we thought this was just in the US but now it's a world wide epidemic of those with the courage to come forth and stand their ground. Some of the abuses that came to light in Europe involve hundred of Children. Even the Holy See is not above the law.
REVELATIONS
I did an interview the other day, with a gentleman who spent forty-five years working on the railroad as an engineer. He probably covered a zillion plus miles and still remembers steam engines. While casually chatting, he said, "There was and is nothing wrong with the Federal Government". "The founding fathers did a heck of a job in designing this great nation". The real problem is the five hundred and thirty five "conductors we hired who think they own the friggen railroad". I had nothing to add, he hit the nail on the head. Ageless wisdom.
LATE NIGHT PHONE CALLS:
I'm usually up late but I limit calls to 9PM EST. Middle of the night means something else and my phone is one digit away from a Psychiatrists office number. It brings new meaning to the phrase "shrinking world".
"LIBIDOFACATION" (–noun, lee-bi-ie -far-kay-shon)
Used in a Sentence: "Governor Sanford got caught in the act of Libidofacation". Recently you might of noticed many of our distinguished Political leaders have been caught at "Libidofacation". Some have been outed who seem to have a lot of libido lately with a myriad of mistresses and mattresses some as far away as Argentina. Not surprisingly it leaks out, because Washington is like a leaky barrel or condom for that matter. Everyone is out for the head of any competition they can ruin. Please note what organizations these "gentlemen in Congress belong to. One in particular is involved with the board of Promise Keepers and another serves on the Senate ETHICS committee.
BILL CLINTON
When a customer has a problem I remind them of Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton summed it up, when he said "I feel your pain". Everybody suddenly felt better. Of course he was also known to feel some other parts of female anatomy so he had a well rounded painless life. Of course if you went around feeling other things you might still experience some pain like from one of those old cast iron frying pans.
NEW DEFINITION - "POLITICIANS":
Those who have studied and mastered the art of graft and bribery for personal gain neatly dressed in false concerned public exposure. It is also a group who can lie thru their teeth even with their mouth closed.
PLAINS TALK:
Many years ago, in my travels out west I had the privilege of a worthy conversation with a tribal leader of one of the plains tribes. My memory is running out of ram but I believe he was of the Lakota, (Lakota, Dakota and Nankota comprise the Sioux nation) and he gave me a thought that has floated in my mind ever since. he said to me: "Who is worse, the liar or the one who spreads the lie?” “If he knows the truth and spreads the lie, he is worse than the liar. If he does not know the truth and spreads the lie, indeed, he is a person with forked tongue".
"Alternation" alt-tern-a-chun
We have a new definition for you. Alternation Stemming from the melding of Altercation and Alteration and from the root "alter" or to change. We have in the new word form expressed one idea. ALTERNATION is defined as bombing the crap out of a foreign country to improve life for all of it's citizens. Since we are the author of the word, this is one that should be named after the citizen who brought this word literally to the kitchen table of the world.President George W. Bush defines the word ALTERNATION. Several critics have told us we should hyphen the word. Eg. ALTER-NATION. Not in Georges world. He doesn't know what a hyphen is.
POLITICS 101
There are times when partisanship is stupid, inexcusable and really shows what a bunch of self indulgent greedy dumb asses we have in the Congress. This is one of those times and many like myself have had enough. It's time for a third party (Not Tea) based on common sense. Even the party symbols reflect stupidity no matter how artistic they are made to look. We have heard enough from Dumbo and Dumb Ass.
WORLD SHORTAGE OF CORKS:
With all the negative comments about every conceivable move made by the new President, it's apparent if the detractors or the "Legion of Doom" were to be shut up, our world would face a terrible shortage on cork futures since most of these folks would need two. One for either end since telling the difference is impossible.
NEW BUMPER STICKER!
IF YOU LOVE JESUS HONK!
IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM TEXT!
TIGER JOKES:
Now that Tigers problems have accelerated faster than a Titleist off his driver, my suggestion to him would be to back off a little, stay close to home, and not try to play more than nine holes a day. Thats what got him in trouble in the first place. On another note a survey taken by me of thirty golfers playing our course here indicated;
When asked; "What one word would you use to describe Tigers position?
1) "Horizontal"
2) "Enviable"
3) "Deep Shit".
NEW LADIES PRO CLUBS ! "ELIN WOODS":
Mrs. Tiger Woods has agreed to market a new line of premier women's Golf Clubs under her name. The "Elin Woods" Irons will be Black-Titanium shafts and blued club faces, and the Drivers will be the same with Sliced Cocobolo wood inserts. The shafts will be engraved with the inscription "When you care enough to bash the very best".
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
When a politician says he has seen the light, it generally means the cops flashlight is checking his eye dilation.
WILL ROGERS:
"I never met a man I didn't like". Then again he never lived in Washington. And this his other famous quote, "I would never join a club that would have me as a member". True he never worked with the Congress though he entertained them and he had more common sense than most of them. The interesting thing about these quotes is that most people remember Will Rogers quotes when they were used by others like Groucho Marx, Winston Churchill and Paul McCartney. The latter two when they were Knighted. "MY QUOTE OF THE DAY" "If you spend your time in irrelevancy, you too will become irrelevant".
PARTISAN POLITICS
Funny the word "PARTISAN" phonetically comes out "Parting is SIN". Thus it's time for us to bring back the Inquisition. Lets test some of these statements made by the parties, biased media spinners like Beck, Hannity, Limbaugh, Palin and other bloggers and test them for truth. I prefer fire, stretching them does no good, they been stretching the truth for years.
RETURNING FROM VEGAS ON DELTA:
How to pay for your ticket: Aboard Delta, I was feasting on airline courtesy, sumptuous peanuts, high protein DELTA dog biscuits, and shots of high test non-injectionable fluids mixed with aspirin from a rapidly approaching cold. Contact with thousands of people, handshakes, strange bedding, leaves you wide open for a cold. Knowing nourishment is essential, and we were on a five hour flight. Our group planned ahead for a change. I opened my backpack and pulled out the three loaded SUBWAY 12 INCH ROAST CHICKEN SUBS with Chipotle Dip and POTATO CHIPS. We were the envy of the entire five hour flight. I could of sold them for twelve dollars each and doubled up. MONEY MAKER: Next trip to Vegas I will buy ten of them and sell them on board. Screw the laptop, go SUBWAY.
GEORGE BUSH LIBRARY…
The new George W. Bush Library and Intellectual Learning Center at SMU. The Dewey Decimal System will not be used in the George W. Bush Library. When asked why not, he replied, why use numbers when you can "alaphabaptize". "Besides, you only read one book at a time". Critics had determined he was right. With only three children's books in the library he thought he could memorize their location.
EQUALITY:
"As much as I try to idiot proof everything I build, it seems they just keep coming out with better idiots".
ON BACKPACKS:
One of the biggest problems is the bigger the backpack or bag you select, the more you have a need to stuff it. That’s stupid because of the Gremkin-Flugals laws of Physics which states: “The more you pile on an ass to carry, increases in weight when the ass dies, and you are the next ass to haul it”. I totally agree with that hypothesis.
ON THE BOY BALLOON HOAX
So the sicko father wants a reality show and pulls a stunt to prove his point. I say he deserves it. I propose the show be filmed for fourteen months in the Limon Correctional Facility, Colorado. Suggestions for a name of the show include: "My Life with Bubba" "From Air Bags to Bitches", "The Kingpin and I".
ON OUR CONGRESS:
If this entire group of Senators and Congressmen were out in the real workplace, they would be screaming for an extension of their unemployment. I would ignore them. What they call work, we call pretending, posturing, spinning and childhood type squabbling. Lying, cheating and stealing only effect 87%.
HUNTING SEASON:
Washington needs a one-day open hunting season on lobbyists. First, we’ll change the name “lobbyist to briberist”. Lets get that point straight. When there is money you receive and it jades your vote, you are a traitor, not a supporter. Second, make it a no bag limit. In addition, a bounty for more than five. Double points if you get the Congressman while accepting a bribe, oh sorry, a donation. Triple points, if it’s a Senator, because there are less Senators and it’s hard to find them working at anything.
TERM LIMITS:
Establish “term limits”. Lets change what term limits mean. The term limits we need are twenty to forty years in jail for stealing, lying, accepting bribes from any agency doing business with the General Public like health care companies. Otherwise after two four-year terms for Congressmen, two six-year terms for Senators since they seem to go useless after those terms.
SOME EX PRESIDENTS:
And Ex Vice-Presidents, Failed Quitting Governors, and really stupid Congressmen and Senators. They should be gagged, tarred and feathered, and sent hunting together. Maybe we’ll get lucky with a double with Cheney and Palin. And add a few talk show personalities like Limbaugh, Hannity and Beck, oh don’t forget Congressional dumbos like Steele and Bachman, now there’s two that brings a new lowering of the bar representing the word "STUPID".
BRING BACK JOSEPH - THE NEW DEPENDS PARTY
Not the party of the right or the left but the party of the bottom. We need to replace some of the older more jaded figures in Washington. It's really a long list, and that means perhaps a real simple man of change. Someone who will stick to his guns, a man of action who will make change a reality, and quick. We need a guy like: Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, (aka Joseph Stalin) He would "get them all in line". Like he said "get them all in line, it's easier to shoot them that way and you save bullets". Now theres a fiscal conservative!
If Joseph were President there would be 535 apartments for lease in Washington DC by tomorrow.