THE HOLE IN THE HEAD vs. THE HOLE IN THE BAGEL
ALBANY NY
The financially distraught State of NY has been enforcing a bizarre tax law which requires delicatessens and food peddlers to impose a tax on sliced bagels. Not, may I mind you, on unsliced bagels. Thats correct, there is no tax when the bagel is sold whole. What meshuganas!
Many in NY are calling this the "circumcised bagel law". "If the bagel had a snip, you get taxed for the tip". Bagel aficionados are up in arms.
HOLLYWOOD JUMPS INTO IT !
"This is war", said Charlie Haschton, who said, "I will never pay tax on my bagel, and if they want my bagel, they'll have to take it from my arthritically cold dead hands".
So carry a knife or better "The Brooklyn Bagel Slicer", your own favorite Philadelphia cream cheese, regular or "whipped lite" and make it happen outside the store. No slicing tax. Say a short prayer and cut. Disclaimer: Please be careful, habitual bagel cutting can be dangerous to your waistline and health, with or without cream cheese, not to mention your fingers!
SLICED BAGEL TAXATION
What's the tax on a bagel? It depends how you slice it—or in the case of New York, if you slice it. The extremely brilliant State tax officials, under orders from the anti-bagel league in Albany have begun to enforce "taxation without representation", on one of the most crucial dietary creations in the world.
In New York, the sale of whole bagels isn't subject to sales tax. But the tax does apply to "sliced or prepared bagels (with cream cheese or other toppings)," according to the state Department of Taxation and Finance. And if the bagel is eaten in the store, even if it's never been touched by a knife, it's also taxed.
Many bagel lovers, were caught off guard, they were not aware of the law. One New York bagel-store owner, when confronted by the "Bagel Police", the BP found out he was out of compliance with the policy this summer when the state audited his company and threatened to jail him if he didn't come up with the "dough". He thought they were from BP and had a check for him from the oil spill.
THE INSIDER SOLUTION
The solution is the Brooklyn Bagel Slicer. It fits in a purse, a briefcase, or a bowling ball bag. You bring it to work with you. Lets be honest, more fingers have been lost to bagels than any other types of bread even the feared English Muffin.
The Brooklyn Bagel Slicer was co-invented by a father and son team, Dr. Dennis S. Moss of Rochester NY, formerly Brooklyn and Michael D. Moss. Michael currently lives in Brooklyn, NY which claims to be the home of the first Bagels.
The father and son combined their skills of Radiology, Medical Management, Media, Design and Innovation for over twelve years and produced the Brooklyn Bagel Slicer. The idea is now an award winning product garnering national attention, and has won numerous awards.
The Brooklyn Bagel Slicer is saving fingers and limbs throughout the nation. The Classic Knife™ from Brooklyn Bagel Slicer® allows users to slice bagels and rolls without the worry of cutting yourself on an exposed blade.
The Brooklyn Bagel Slicer is the ONLY Bagel Slicer that will not schmoosh or crush hot, fresh bagels! Hands down (or up!) Brooklyn Bagel Slicer is the best bagel slicer! http://ezbagel.com/brooklyn-bagel-slicer-classic-knife.html
So we are going to put the Brooklyn Bagel Slicer to the ultimate test as soon as we have a sample for testing and can find a Sushi Samurai Warrior and see if he can do a better job using a $125.00 Santoku or Sashimi knife made in Seki Japan on a fresh made Brooklyn Bagel. My bet is with the Moss boys. They use their noodles, they just don't hang on trees!
Granted, English Muffins and Scones are no easy task either and present other problems like slicing your palm open, bleeding, stitches and worse walking away hungry after eating one. Bagels are more "fur-filling".
APPROVED BY THE NBA
The device shown gets a five out of five approval rating by the NBA, "the National Bagel Association". Actual studies of strictly Jewish bagel addicted people, those used to eating two a day, after trying it out, voted six out of four.
Four Jewish critics can have six opinions. Noted also was a comment based on the movie, "Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye" who kept saying, "on the other hand", thats because he cut his hand so often he switched and got two more cut. Now we all know what he meant.
The rate is estimated at about eight cents a bagel based on the average cut bagel cost of a dollar, so far the jury is out on a cream cheese tax or worse, they'll go after the LOX! Oy Gevalt!
A noted bagel chain shop owner added: "the extra charge, filled his customers with boiling rage. It was hotter than Momma's chicken soup". "They felt we were nickel-and-diming them, charging them to slice a bagel," he said.
NOTED HISTORIAN
Mr. Gorgan Zola commented, "this is a travesty"! "The bagel is a symbol down through the ages and doesn't deserve this tariff. Whats next, Matzo balls? How do you tax a matzoh ball? The size of the balls, how much schmaltz was in the soup you used, whether the balls were kneaded longer than others"? That will need Solomon.
Our bagel is well represented in Jewish History: Moses had all the Pharaoh's chariot wheels secretly replaced with hand molded Bagel dough replicas. When they hit the Red Sea the bagel dough got wet and soggy and the Egyptians were trapped in the mud. You know the rest of the story.
There's even a statue by Mikel (pronounced Me-kell) De'Angelo, called the Bagel Thrower. A classic in Greek History, it survived the ages and it went on to become the bagel throw (looks like a disc) in modern Olympics.
And the inspiration for the bagel came in 1610 from Galileo Goldstone who turned his telescope to the heavens and was astonished to observe a bright star with rings.
What Galileo had discovered was a strange new world, a planet with rings. He turned to his Jewish housekeeper and said "look". Two days later the bagel was born, sliced to replicate the two rings, with a Matzoh ball stuffed in the middle. Great Idea but somehow it didn't sell. He canned the ball and used cream cheese. A star was born. Quite the satisfying discovery.
"GIVE ME BAGELS, OR GIVE ME NOTHING"
Was the battle cry of Patrick Horowitz during the revolutionary war and when desperate for ammunition for his cannons, he took stale bagels and loaded them to the muzzle. When fired the bagels flew further than the steel balls inflicting heavy casualties on the British who found out tea is not as good as coffee with a bagel. They suffered horribly from eating non-nutritional "scones". I use the scones for targets at our skeet range when we run out of clay pigeons.
IT COULD NOT GET STUPIDER
One source of confusion is that the rule isn't spelled out in the tax code. And while sliced bagels are subject to sales tax, a sliced loaf of bread at a bakery isn't, according to tax officials.
A spokesman for the tax department said the state "will provide additional guidance via our Web site and publications in the near future." Guidance? What guidance? Over slicing, cooking bagels, famous bagel jokes, bagel abuse protection, such as serving with pizza sauce and cheese, or bagels in beef gravy....or are they just getting into something they don't belong in?
Let them stick to sliced bread, more their speed... and butter with salt...